Washington, D.C. — November 4, 2025
In a bold move to “restore biblical purity to the American calendar,” President Donald Trump signed a new executive order today declaring that Thursday will be renamed Trumpday, effective immediately, citing concerns that the current name forces Christians to “worship the false idol named Thor.” The remaining days of the week are scheduled to be renamed on January 1, 2026.
“People don’t even know this, but every single Thursday—millions of Christians, great people, they’re unknowingly worshipping a pagan thunder god. It’s true. It’s called Thor. Very bad guy,” Trump said during a press conference held beneath a double golden arch, flanked by a 30-foot LED mural of himself smashing Thor’s hammer with a glowing cross. “We’re changing that. We’re restoring biblical purity to the American calendar, which frankly, has been a total disaster since the Romans got involved. Total disaster. It’s disgraceful. We’re going to fix it. We’re going to make calendars great again.”
The announcement is part of a sweeping federal initiative known as Operation PURE (Pagan Unification Revision Effort), which aims to “cleanse the calendar of idolatrous influence and bring America’s weekdays back to God.” Historians have noted that each day of the week has a name rooted in ancient theology. Thursday, for example, derives from Thor’s Day, honoring the Norse god of thunder.
📆 The Sanctified Week, as released by The White House.
🧠 Evangelical Reactions
While some Christian leaders praised the move as “a long-overdue correction to calendar heresy,” others expressed confusion.
“I thought Thor was a Marvel character,” said Pastor Jim Reynolds of Tulsa. “But if Trump says he’s a threat to Christianity, I guess we’ll cancel youth group movie night.”
🗳️ Political Fallout
The fallout has been swift and confusing. Congressional leaders have scrambled to either condemn or embrace the chaos, depending on which camera was rolling. At least six Governors so far have held emergency press conferences, mostly to remind voters they exist. One senator has proposed a bipartisan task force to investigate the bipartisan task force that’s investigating the bipartisan task force. A follow-up statement released by the White House on X was so vague it could double as a horoscope, “Calendar Covfefe”.
Meanwhile, many lobbyists have quietly updated their LinkedIn bios to include “crisis navigation specialist” and a mattress company launched a commemorative “Fallout Foam” line, “Guaranteed to support you through any collapse.”
Adding to the confusion, a recently unearthed study from Liberty University’s Department of ChronoSanctification claims that renaming weekdays increases holiness by 37%—but only when paired with a MAGA hat worn at a “righteous angle.”
🧢 Legacy vs. Lunacy
Critics have argued that the renaming is a distraction from more pressing issues, such as inflation and foreign policy. Others cite it as proof that the administration has lost its marbles. Senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez called attention to a recently signed secretive executive order requiring all federal buildings to install gold-plated lightning rods “just in case Thor retaliates.”
Meanwhile, historians and auto-mechanics have begun debating the actual purpose of the changes. Supporters call it visionary and cite it as proof of The President’s holiness. Critics partially agree, stating that every reason he gives is full of holes, but otherwise believe that its only purpose is to satisfy “Trump’s desire to leave the largest legacy of any person in history.”
“This is classic Trump,” said one anonymous staffer. “He sees a dip in polling and decides to rebrand a weekday. Next week he’ll rename oxygen.”
Legacy, once defined by impact and integrity, now competes with lunacy for airtime. For this, the archives will need a new category: “Bold Decisions Made During Mercury Retrograde.” If this is the new normal, the old normal owes us an apology. Thursday may be gone, but the thunder is just beginning.
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