HOLLYWOOD, CA
In a move few saw coming but many now can’t unsee, Disney has announced Peg Bundy, the legendary queen of leopard print from Married… with Children, as its newest Disney Princess, following the historic Fox merger.
CEO Bob Chapek (or his hologram, depending on whom you ask) stood beneath a massive banner reading, “Happily Ever After—With Attitude” as he declared:
“We believe in expanding what it means to be a princess. Sarcasm, shopping, and an aversion to household chores are all core values now.”
Peg entered the press conference to a remixed mashup of “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes” and Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.” She arrived fashionably late in four-inch stilettos and a cloud of Aqua Net.
Fairy Tales Meet Foot Rub Avoidance
The announcement sent shockwaves throughout the kingdom.
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Belle is reportedly stress-reading The Art of Detachment.
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Ariel is debating trading her voice for Peg’s stylist.
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Cinderella locked herself in her tower.
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Rapunzel’s hair now smells faintly of Marlboro Menthols.
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Even Cinderella’s mice are requesting a transfer to “a quieter castle.”
Belle, reached for comment at her provincial castle, sighed:
“I’ve read about dystopias, but I never expected to live in one with Peg Bundy as a fellow princess.”
Snow White declined to comment while seven short men have begun unionizing in protest.
Meanwhile, the enchanted dishes are reportedly deeply rattled with Mrs. Potts fainting into her own tea while Lumière was seen stress-polishing the silverware muttering, “Zis is not ze fine dining I signed up for.”
Insiders also report that Peg has already:
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Tried to spike tea with boxed wine,
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Taught Jasmine how to fake a headache to avoid royal functions.
Disney Animators Enter Crisis Mode
“We’ve never animated a character reclining for this long,” said one animator. “We had to build a whole new couch physics engine.” The animation team is also struggling to translate Peg’s iconic walk into 3D, “We’ve never rigged a swagger that sassy before,” said a tired intern. “It’s like animating sarcasm.”
Royal Rebranding Madness
Disney’s marketing machine is already working overtime creating merchandise and content to take advantage of the merger. Coming soon to Disney Stores:
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Peg Bundy Tiaras, part of the Trailer Park Glamour™ Collection
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“I Cook as Good as I Look” aprons
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Perfume: Eau de Frustration
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A limited-edition talking Peg doll that says, “Make your own sandwich, sweetie.”
Streaming Soon: Peg of the People
Set in a magical cul-de-sac where woodland creatures wear press-on nails, Peg of the People is a heartwarming animated musical where Peg Bundy brings sizzle to a stale kingdom, teaching forest creatures how to ignore unsolicited phone calls and negotiate spa days.
Featured Songs:
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“Someday My Dishwasher Will Run”
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“I’m Not Your Queen, I’m Your Problem”
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Sebastian’s new reggae-funk anthem, Under the Couch (It’s Mostly Crumbs)”, a funky lament about finding your place in a lineup with zero forest creatures and unlimited TV.
No official date has been given for the premiere, but four out of seven dwarves expect it to be before Christmas.
Post-Credits Surprise
Meanwhile, Marvel fans are buzzing over a post-credits scene from Avengers: Doomsday where Peg is seen giving relationship advice to Wanda while resting her feet on Thor’s hammer.
Rumors are swirling that she’ll appear in the next Avengers film, Avengers: Excessive Endgame which just finished filming last week and is being moved into post-production.
Sources confirm that Thor hasn’t been able to lift his hammer since.
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